I’ve been going to the gym for a whole four-and-a-half months now, so I can speak like an expert about gyms. Well, if I can’t do that, at least I can tell you exactly what to do to be obnoxious. Being obnoxious at the gym is a fun, passive-aggressive way to take out on other people what you wish you could do at work, right?

1. Go lock-free. Who wants to be fettered with a six-ounce lock? They take time to open and are a waste of money. Just throw all your crap in a locker and go. Stack it all up and don’t worry if it falls out when someone opens the locker. Why would they open your locker, anyway? It’s full–they can’t use it!

2. Show off your body. Walk around the locker room naked to air dry. Doesn’t matter if you’re thin or fat–if people don’t want to see your naked body, they don’t have to look at you. Go ahead and do your hair and makeup, then sit down with your bare naked butt somewhere and check your Facebook account.

3. Spray away. Lots of gyms ask members to clean the equipment with some spray cleaner. Even if the sign says “Do not spray cleaner directly on the equipment” go ahead and spray away. Especially on the treadmills where people are breathing deeply. Spray that crap everywhere–work up a good cloud so the machines are nice and clean. Now you’re ready to start exercising!

4. Use the equipment and mats. Use it all. Stockpile medicine balls, dumbbells in all ranges, mats, kettle bells, etc. You never know when you might want to use something and you wouldn’t want to have to wait for someone, would you? Also, if your routine calls for one weight, take both. And hold onto it through your whole work out, even if you only need it once.

5. Talk on your cellphone. You don’t need an explanation, do you?

6. Take 5. Or 15. Grab your smart phone and go rest your muscles. Lay down on a mat and check your messages. When people come in who look like  they might want to use a mat roll over and pretend to stretch a little. Or, sit on the incline bench/leg press/chest press/etc. and play a game. Breathe heavy every now and then so people know you’re resting.

7. Talk loud, talk proud. Shout out to people you know as they pass by. Start up a conversation with the guy next to you on the elliptical about the game or Kim Kardashian’s booty–speak up so he can hear you over his music. If you came to the gym with someone have a loud raucous discussion telling lots of jokes so you can have big laughs.

8. Let your kids play. If your kid doesn’t want to go to the Kids Club don’t sweat it. Grab a stability ball and let them roll around on it. The rowing machine is a fun time for them. If you have two kids they can play catch with a medicine ball. It’s okay if they’re noisy–they’re having fun!

9. Be disparaging. Talk about how much you hate January and the fat people who show up at the gym after New Years. Be sure to repeat yourself every time a fatty is using a machine and you have to wait for it. Don’t they know they’re just wasting their time?

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